my attempted headstand

I seriously blame.. something else.. but it was funny

holy shit..

i know its a friends job to care.. but do i look flippin suicidal to you people? my god.. i put on my happy face and everything.. i dont need the constant phone calls with not even a hi.. just straight to are you ok.. and IF ONE MORE PERSON ASKS ME IF IM OK! MY GOD I AM GONNA KILL THEM!!
yea i know april is going to be hard.. but im dealing.. and im doing a great job at it. well at least i think so.. yes im not talkin about it.. cause i dont have anyone i trust to talk to about it.. its nothing personal so dont take it that way.. i just know who i can trust and who i am comfortable being 100% honest with. and when i get a chance to talk to them and they want to hear ill tell them.. but until then im sorry.. my life isnt a weekly published series for you people..

"hold me tight baby hold me tight.. i dont know .. i dont know what hes after.. but hes so beautiful.. hes such a beautiful disaster. and if i could hold on through the tears and the laughter.. lord would it be beaitful.. just a beautiful disaster im longing for love thats logical but hes only happy hysterical im searching for some kind of miracle. ive waited so long. hes soft to the touch. but frayed at the ends he breaks hes never enough. and still theres more then i can take "

hmm whats new in my world..

Let me think

work was good
im in a better mood then i was
tomorrow is friday
then i have 10 days off
and i think im gonna go down south
see christy for a couple of days
I think i just need to get out
get away from the COV
charles went to florida
Im jealous
i think ill get
a new tattoo while im there
and just not tell my rents
my mom is doing this whole
bitch about the little things
but
the bad thing about going back
i feel like since im going to be in the town
that i should go see teddy
i dont know why i feel that way
i dunno if its him i want to see
or his family
cause when i was down there
they were my family too
but if i see them
i have to see him
i dunno
i didnt think that getting away
would cause this much trouble
i just needed a break
i need someone to talk to
but the person i usually talk to
is MIA.. but you know
you win some you lose some..
im out

ok the truth comes out..

the post before this one.. i didnt write well not entirely.. i had to change it to be able to put into my blog and people read it and think it came from me.. sorta mold it to my situtation.. it was all for a good reason though.. instead of being attatched to her friends.. the girl who wrote the diary was attatched to her journal it was the other part of herself. she never said her feelings out loud.. i wanted to see if stating them outloud would cause an effect in my friends.. if they would try.. kind of like a personal test... not that i was testing or questioning their friend ship to me.. i wanted to see it laid at my feet i guess you could say i am selfish.. but my friends are amazing... and i always knew that and they care..

the girl who's journal that was dided three weeks after endind her journal. her parents came home from a movie and found her dead. they called the police and the hospital but it was too late. there was nothing they could do. was it an accidental overdose? a premeditated overdose? no one khows.. and in some ways that question isnt important what must be of concern is that she is dead..

my diary

I truely must have lost my mind or at least part of it, for i have just tried to pray. I wanted to ask God to help me , but i could utter only words. dark useless words which fell on the floor beisde me and rolled off into the corners and underneath the bed. I tried, i really tried to remember what i should say after "now i lay me down to sleep.." but they are only words.. useless artificial heavy words which have no meaning and no powers. They are like the ravings of the idiotic spewing woman who is now part of my intimate family. verbal rantings, useless grping unimportant with no power and no glory. sometimes i think death is the only way out of this room..




I looked at the sky today and realized that winter is gone.. which really makes me sad.. because it doesnt seem as though it was here at all. like ive blocked it out and dont want to remember it. oh i dont want it to be over. i dont want to get old. i have this very silly fear my friend that one day ill be old without ever really being young.. i wonder if it could happen that quickly or if i've ruined my life already. do you think life can get by you without you even seeing it? shit it gives me the chills just thinking about it.


I use to think it was easy to move on in my life when i was left by friend or fo.. But now i dont really think it is.. Life is easier when your young.. its easier to change. now you just get attatched.. the ones who have saved me... saved me and my sanity a million times.. but i think when a person gets older she should be able to deal with her problems herself and rely on herself more. instead of just another piece of you.. what you have become.. for you are my dearest friend and i shall thank you always for sharing my tears and heartaches and my struggles and strifes.. and my joys and happinesses Its been good in its own way. but sad when its over i guess. all good things come to an end.

just another day

you tried your best but you knew it wouldnt last..

so i think im ok.. i really like my new job.. its alot of work.. and it keeps me busy.. i mean to hear someone talk about it you wouldnt think so.. but its always so rush rush rush..
here's my deal today... this guy.. omg he calls me and calls me and sends me emails.. says hes in love with me. he doesnt even know me.. i dunno its people like that who scare me about meeting new people ive put up such a wall.. and im not being honest with people anymore.. watching what i say.. and thats not me.. i hate holding things in.. i just want to yell at them.. and tell them exactly what i think about them.. but i cant now.. i feel like im being held back..
anger makes you cold but life makes you weak..
i think i need a new tattoo..
well im out.. at home by myself.. bored.. everyone else.. but i got some canvas.. i want to paint someone something.. but i dont know who.. or what.. or if anyone would want me to .. whatever.. im out..

So, im confused
alone
suffering from some complex


Im on the phone with my friend.. i hear her talk about everything that is going wrong in her life.. i wonder why i complain about mine..
we are plotting.. dont know why men are so stupid.. CRAZY BITCHES
i love my guys they dont suck..
XOXOXOXOXOXOX
love~n~shit
eryn

well ive done it..

needed a new place to vent.. too many myspace stalkers.. myspace was great when no one knew about it.. but you cant even fill out a bulletin without getting 50 reply questions.. what do you mean by this.. why did you say this.. my god..
i dunno its funny the way you change what you're gonna say when you realize who is gonna read it.. i dunno.. ive come to some new thoughts.. i hate teddy.. i hate everything he put me through.. i hate how stupid i was to give up so much to move down there.. and he didnt give up anything.. and he wouldnt of either. he always said if i had told him i couldnt move down there he would of moved here.. but i know thats not true. i cant believe i gave up so much.. for nothing.. and i feel like ive lost the respect of so many people. im so much happier at home.. i just wish my friends were as happy to have me back as i was hoping they would be.. they bitched alot..
its like they talked to me everyday until i got back.. then nothing.. there are sooo few people i can actually trust anymore... i found out the person spreading the rumors about me was one of my best friends.. and they are still talking..but i guess it doesnt matter.. i would rather have someone tell me straight up what they think about me.. rather then beating around the bush.. bullshiting you.. i dunno but whatever.. i have a headache.. goodnite