my diary

I truely must have lost my mind or at least part of it, for i have just tried to pray. I wanted to ask God to help me , but i could utter only words. dark useless words which fell on the floor beisde me and rolled off into the corners and underneath the bed. I tried, i really tried to remember what i should say after "now i lay me down to sleep.." but they are only words.. useless artificial heavy words which have no meaning and no powers. They are like the ravings of the idiotic spewing woman who is now part of my intimate family. verbal rantings, useless grping unimportant with no power and no glory. sometimes i think death is the only way out of this room..




I looked at the sky today and realized that winter is gone.. which really makes me sad.. because it doesnt seem as though it was here at all. like ive blocked it out and dont want to remember it. oh i dont want it to be over. i dont want to get old. i have this very silly fear my friend that one day ill be old without ever really being young.. i wonder if it could happen that quickly or if i've ruined my life already. do you think life can get by you without you even seeing it? shit it gives me the chills just thinking about it.


I use to think it was easy to move on in my life when i was left by friend or fo.. But now i dont really think it is.. Life is easier when your young.. its easier to change. now you just get attatched.. the ones who have saved me... saved me and my sanity a million times.. but i think when a person gets older she should be able to deal with her problems herself and rely on herself more. instead of just another piece of you.. what you have become.. for you are my dearest friend and i shall thank you always for sharing my tears and heartaches and my struggles and strifes.. and my joys and happinesses Its been good in its own way. but sad when its over i guess. all good things come to an end.